Day 1: Overcoming mentally

These series of posts on overcoming break up might just be read by me. However, since this is on the internet, I might as well address this to everyone and anyone reading it including myself. I’ve just broken up with the girl I’ve loved and still loving for the past 9 years yesterday. So yes, yesterday was Day 1. People asked how come you did not pop the question earlier? 9 years is definitely a long time! In case you are not from Singapore and you are not aware, male in Singapore need to serve mandatory 2 years of National Service (In the army). By the time I was out of National Service, I was already 22 approaching 23. We’ve already been together for 4 approaching 5 years. I am still without a cent to me and have no significance savings since I do not come from a wealthy family. 3 years of university life later, I was already 25 years of age. We were already been 7 years together approaching 8. As of now, I’ve only worked for 10 months and barely has the financial to get married nor pop the question. To be fair, I do not have study loans to pay off unlike some of my peers. They could not even save up using their monthly pay because they need to pay off their study loans first. I was planning the question for our 10th year which by then I would have been 28. Perfect age for marriage.

Background story, however, I would leave it up to another post to explain. This post, however, is just for the pure documentation of how I continue to live my days even after breaking up with someone I still love deeply.

If it has been your first day of breaking up too, then like me, you might have cried uncontrollably for the first hour of realizing that you have lost the love of your life, forever or at least for the time being. Luckily for me, I was alone at home when it happened. I cried out very loud, just lying on the floor and let my emotions out. I cried like this for approximately 5 minutes. Just shouting and crying loud and letting my tears flow. However, for my case, it has been a long time coming and I cannot say that I did not expect this. For more background again, refer to the post of the background story. Maybe I already had prepared my heart for this. However, don’t you at least agree that no matter how much preparation time you were given, you can never prepare well for this moment?

What I do suggest, for both genders, if you are at the receiving end of the breakup, if you still feel so much love for the other party, please do not hold your emotions in. If you are outside and you are embarrassed to start crying outside, then cry in your room. This is especially true for guys. I know girls would have no qualms crying out loud but guys tend to pretend they are strong and that it is okay. It is not okay. Don’t let your ego cause more trouble than it could already have. If you do not want people to know you are crying, feel free, cry alone, release your emotion.

After crying, you might just feel a tiny bit better than you did before you started crying. This is where the second stage of the first day comes. Resentment. You would start to resent the other party. I treated her (or him) so well! How can her (or him) treat me this way? You feel betrayed. Your tears will want to flow out yet again. You feel so wronged. You did everything you could to love the other party, why did the other party not appreciate the years you had spent showering care and love for them? You start to think of nasty things to text to them. My ex-girlfriend was someone whom I feel was very emotional kind. I knew I could get at her by making her as guilty as I could. Ultimately, I drafted out a message aimed to hurt her. Aimed to tell her about how bad she was. I kept that message ultimately to myself.

Also, I do feel it is critical that you find someone to talk to. Text or call. Your best friend preferably. Since they will be more willing to support you and give you sound advice for every dumb thing you plan to do. Luckily I had this female friend of mine which we were friends since I was in Primary School. We texted almost every day since everything started and I texted her for the whole of yesterday after my breakup. In the end, I decided to draft out a message aimed to get more answers out of her. With the help of my friend, this message appears to be less critical than the previous draft. After further calming down by spending time with my family and try not to think about the situation (I know it’s hard. That’s why I said you would need your best friend to be with you to assure you that even though you had lost 1 pillar in your life, there is still someone there holding it with you. You are not alone.), I’ve even calmed down enough to tell myself: Do the answers still matters to you? Would the answers make you feel any better? Would she even give me her honest answer or would she give me an answer just so she won’t need to further hurt me?  You would ultimately feel there are no points to these questions. Knowing them won’t let you feel any better about yourself. I’ll instead let her understand that although it pains my heart to let her go, I still let her go and I still feel concerned about her. How many times had we find couple breaking up just to be together again? Would you want to leave this bad impression on the other half and make it forever impossible again? I doubt so right?

These are the tips I can give for Day 1 of this ordeal. Now comes the feeling part of Day 1. I felt lost. All the fun times we had together. Especially Day 1 was the last day of 2016. We could have been out there counting down, holding hands and then after that hug each other to sleep. It could all been well if I hadn’t lost my temper that day. I do realize that the incident was too small an incident to have caused all these to happen. However,  till now, I still could not throw away the idea of: “what if I did not flare up that day? Would we still be together counting down to 2017?” Indeed. “What if I had wanted to go to Malacca with her family and we are placed in one room together? Would we be able to settle our differences? Would I be able to convince her that she still loves me and salvage all these?” They are only questions to be left unanswered because they are what ifs. Like how a famous mandopop song from JJ Lin title depicts: 可惜没如果 (“Pity there are not what ifs” as literal translation). If you are a non-Chinese reading this, you might want to find an English translation of the lyrics online and have a listen. You might cry and feel sad for yourself. However, maybe crying is good for your heart and mind at the moment. So with this, I will end this post with this song: 可惜没如果.

假如把犯得起的错 能错的都错过
应该还来得及去悔过
假如没把一切说破
那一场小风波 将一笑带过
在感情面前 讲什么自我
要得过且过 才好过
全都怪我
不该沉默时沉默 该勇敢却软弱
如果不是我 误会自己洒脱 让我们难过
可当初的你 和现在的我 假如重来过
倘若那天
把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著
如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做
那么多如果 可能如果我
可惜没如果 只剩下结果(没有你和我)

如果早点了解 那率性的你
或者晚一点 遇上成熟的我

不过
倘若那天
把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著
如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做
那么多如果 可能如果我
可惜没如果 只剩下结果(没有你和我)
可惜没如果

 

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