Day 7: Being back to normal

Time passed so quickly. It has been a week since she had dropped the bomb on me. Every single day was a struggle for me to get through I’ll be really honest. I’ve stopped blogging for the past few days was because I couldn’t really find anything of note to blog about except for the same old feelings I had since Day 1 of the breakup.

I’ve actually subscribed to an online counselling site where (supposedly) licensed counsellor will be paired up with you and give you advice. What I do feel is that they are (at least this one I am paired with) quite useless because they could not dedicate time to you and they reply to you only once a day (Maybe due to the different time zones we are in). I believe for some of us, when we do break up with our other half, we would hope that there is someone to reply you whenever you sent out the text. For this reason, I would actually recommend you to talk to someone who would listen and calm you down as opposed to someone suggesting to you on what are the steps you should take to be normal again. At this stage especially, I don’t feel it’s apt to feel okay again. My heart is itching and yearning to see her, however, I know I shouldn’t do so because this simply isn’t the way to go.

Secondly, to make myself feel better and perhaps wanted, I’ve tried out playing the Tinder app. I’ve actually always wanted to try the Tinder app but as I was attached when it first came out (and you need to sign in using your facebook account), thus, I’ve always shelved the idea. The idea for playing Tinder at this stage is not to start finding rebound relationships (relationships to try to replace the hole my ex had created). When I get a Tinder match, I don’t talk to them. In fact, I am sure they had swipe many other guys to the right so most probably they won’t even care if you did not start the conversation with them. However, having someone matched to you reminds yourself the feeling of feeling wanted. Most probably the girl who had swiped right at your picture just feel comfortable looking at your picture (with probably 0 intention to make you feel wanted or anything). However, this somehow just gives you a peculiar feeling that someone out there still acknowledges you. It’s pretty hard to explain but what I do know is that I will not attempt to talk to any matches since I myself isn’t ready to make friends with anyone of the opposite sex as of now.

Thirdly, I’ve started looking at “How to get your ‘ex’ back”. This is actually a bad way to calm myself down whenever the feeling hits me, however, I can safely say that this is probably the best way. I need to be calm when we enter this kind of website. I need to first acknowledge that my relationship is officially over, whether I like it or not. Secondly, acknowledge that while there is every possibility that what the website say are to some degree, possible and true, I do not try to raise my hopes too high and think that this must be the reason why my ex had left me. I’ve subscribed to a 30 days steps to do during the “no contact” rule. I’ll prefer to link you over to the website for full description, however, for now, I will just briefly say what NC means. It literally means what it says, do not contact (any form) my ex at all. In this period of no contact, however, think about the relationship. Is there any love at all or was it just the memories which I could not bear to part with? Was it the thought of her sharing the same memories with some other guy which would infuriate me? Or was it you are truly still concerned about her and that you still love her? If so, take this time to stand back and look at our relationship from the backseat. What went wrong? Take a look at what I did wrong as well as what she did wrong. A relationship simply does not crumble if only one of us did wrongly. An NC is recommended to last at least 30 days. Let each other have both space and time to forget the urge of breaking up and let the good memories start to creep into her mind. If she still has the love which I had suspected she still had, maybe she might even contact me herself. I don’t have high hopes for that because I know her character too well after almost 9 years. However, this does help to calm me down, especially when you know this fact:

Although she was the one who initiated the breakup, it won’t be easy on her as well.

Let time slowly wash away the bad. If the good are strong enough, she will be back. If the good isn’t strong enough to hold her back, it’s wise to know that this relationship won’t work even if you force her to come back to you.

To end off this post, A song called “唯一” from A Mei. It’s been hard for the past week. She is, however, still my only one:

我的天空多么的清晰
透明的承诺是过去的空气
牵着我的手是你
但你的笑容 却看不清
是否一颗星星变了心
从前的愿望 也全都被抛弃
最近我无法呼吸
连自己的影子 都想逃避(逃避)
BABY 你就是我的唯一
两个世界都变形 回去谈何容易
确定 你就是我的唯一
独自对着电话说我爱你 我真的爱你
BABY 我已不能多爱你一些
其实早已超过了爱的极限

In case anyone is interested:

Online counselling: https://www.betterhelp.com/

 

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