2 months on… 

Blogging in the middle of the night. I’ve actually realised I’ve neglected the space for quite some time because frankly I don’t exactly feel like journaling this process anymore but I guess I’ve always wanted to keep a kind of diary somewhere and some form, whether it’s anonymous or not.

2 months on from the split. How do I feel now? Better than I was in the first month. I’ve kept myself busy at work, trying to get closer to my colleagues as I spend most of my time with them after all. I’m going for my trip to Taiwan tomorrow. It was meant as a escape from reality. I’ll be honest, I’m really much much better now.

My mind no longer are filled with her. She cheated on our relationship. I know there is no way I would want her back in any capacity, even if she were to come back, I don’t think I will be able accept her anymore. I don’t think anyone can enjoy being in a relationship without trust. That is precisely the thing I don’t have for her now.

Life’s mundane really. I wanted to grow my social circle, I wanted to find my next one, I wanted to be ready for it. I don’t know if I am in any condition to find one but I do hope one day I would find one who would sweep me off my feet and love me more than I do myself. There is bound to be someone out there who appreciates you for who you are and would stay with you through thick and thin with their heads unturned. For now, let me live in the fantasy of imagining how she would probably look like.

For now, I would continue to better myself. I don’t want to be that overweight version of myself again. I want to push for even fitter body. That’s a promise I give myself. Move on from 2nd month! Great job getting through the festive period. I’ll probably post again some time after a week or two, but I promise to always keep this space updated.

For those reading this for the first time and going through heartbreak. My ex girlfriend of nearly 9 years left me for another guy and here I am, 2nd month on, feeling optimistic about the future and feeling good about my life. If I can do it, there is nothing different about you. You will and you can do it too. Keep faith.

Biggest takeaway?

Never fully depend on someone to provide you happiness. Even your shadow leaves you during dark times, why would you think someone would always be there for you? Even if they did, don’t take it for granted. Nothing is forever, unless you meant them to be, then you will need to put in the effort. Nothing comes permanent and free.

Cheers and peace.

Advertisements

Final Letter

Hi,

I have no better word for you. Other than a liar and an ingrate brat. When we first got together and I first got to know first hand about how serious your anxiety attacks was, it did not faze me. I was in love with you and I am determined I would be the one that helped rid this problem. Over the years while we were dating, we were limited to where we could go. We couldn’t go to anywhere with heights. We couldn’t take the ferry to nearby islands. We couldn’t go overseas until nearly 8 years. Never once have I thought of giving up. I love your personality. I love how bubbly you were. I love how filial you were. I was determined even after 9 years.

Yeah. You would be surprised that I can still list things that I loved about you. Then this is how you’ve treated me. Whether intentional or not. You did not just tried to end your relationship with me, which I would have otherwise be opened to since one cannot force another to stay on without love. You decided to go one step higher. You fall in love with someone else whilst with me. Initially, a part of me thought I knew you well. I knew you are just not this kind of person. Afterall, you had went through the same ordeal when you broke up with your ex. He cheated on you. I thought you would never possibly do that. Or would you? You actually did. Even though you aren’t aware that I was aware. You’ve lost not only my love, you have lost my respect for you and most importantly, my trust I’ve always had for you even after we broke up. I continued to protect and shield you from my parents, telling them you just fall out of love with me. I was blindsided. I thought I knew everything about you. I gave you my full trust even when things got bad between us. My friends were suspecting a third person. I told them you were not the kind. You did not have someone already because I TRUSTED you. Now I feel so stupid to have trusted you.

No, this has nothing to do with being gentleman or not. I feel genuinely betrayed and disappointed. I am not going to pretend that I am the bigger person here and will forgive you for what you had done. I would forget eventually, but I will never forgive you. Although I won’t go so far as to curse you and whatnot, I won’t wish you well either, because someone like you simply don’t deserve to. Make this my last letter to you. I will still continue to write in this blog on moving on. I will make it a point to move on finally. 再见 , 再也不见。

 

Day 20: Move on

When you try to move on, the number one rule I have to remember: Never. I mean never look at her profile on social media. Facebook, Instagram and every other means. It’s just not healthy. Whenever you see something, it would just bring your mood down. When you feel like moving on, when you feel much better, you would think to yourself; maybe I am feeling well enough to take a look at her profile once more. I’m just dead wrong.

What happened was, I took a look at her facebook profile today and I realized she had removed her relationship status. In fact, she had set her status as ‘Single’. Even though she had left my photos untouched, I still felt so down. She had previously left her relationship status untouched. Taking it down seems like she is prepared to move on (Although I’ve actually set my status to ‘Single’ first. Haha!). However, part of me still died. That’s why no matter how good you feel on a certain day, please remember that self-healing are not stages, where you move from stage 1 to stage 2 then to stage 3 and never go back. They are phases. Where you shift yourself from phase 1 to phase 2, sometimes to phase 3. Then something happened, you’ve thought of something, you would actually slip back to phase 2, even phase 1! Just like what happened to myself today. This morning, I was asking myself whether I could move on. For the first time, I felt I might be able to. After work, I was feeling so revitalized. I was in Phase 3. I felt ready to move on! Then I told myself, maybe I can take a look at her profile! Saw her status, I slipped straight back into phase 2, nearly into phase 1.

I know I am still not ready to move on. (If I was ready, I would have not felt the need to take a look at her profile.)  I’ve been reading self-help books to help myself to feel better. I do not know when will I really feel better to move on. I do hope it’s earlier than later because days like this are really hard to get through. Calming piano music + self-help books really help me understand to start to love myself more. Often we think that your ex is the perfect one for you, fact is, no one is perfect. Whoever you love at the moment, you would feel that she is the perfect person for you. When you find someone you love (fingers crossed sooner than later), you would soon forget your ex and feel that your new girlfriend is the one for you, the perfect one. This is just how love works.

One tip for myself, learn how to self-love. Because when you love yourself, improve yourself, people will love you. Jiayou.

最近你好嗎
少了一點微笑
說的話有點少
最近我也不好
全世界都在逆轉
人開始反向思考

發現你愛的人到處跑
昨晚剛升職 今天被炒
莫名其妙 誰會知道
是不是上天開的玩笑
地震時 你想和誰擁抱
什麼是生命中的美好
輕易放掉 卻不知道
幸福就在下一個轉角

說一聲加油 一切更美好
所有的悲傷 請往邊靠
曾經流過的淚
濕了傷口就讓
陽光曬乾而褪
這一種加油 人人都需要
手牽手我們一起賽跑
說好不見不散
每分每秒守候你到老

The beat goes on 時間它一直走
就像是Life goes on 這過程或許痛
不管順流或逆流 你總得抬起頭
讓我們一起走 走過艱難和困惑

發現你愛的人到處跑
昨晚剛升職 今天被炒
莫名其妙 誰會知道
是不是上天開的玩笑
地震時 你想和誰擁抱
什麼是生命中的美好
輕易放掉 卻不知道
幸福就在下一個轉角

說一聲加油 一切更美好
所有的悲傷 請往邊靠
曾經流過的淚
濕了傷口就讓
陽光曬乾而褪
這一種加油 人人都需要
手牽手我們一起賽跑
說好不見不散
每分每秒守候你到老

Rap:
關關是難關 但我們關關過
雨後天晴的陽光在天空閃閃爍
出現了彩虹 忽然間我們才懂
如果這是一場馬拉松 那我們一起加油

 

Letter 4

Hi,

It’s me again. Today suddenly felt like writing you a letter to update you how I am. Nowadays I’m pretty busy at work due to some problem deploying my application. Everyday I’m pretty drained. Whenever I feel drained, I will think of you again. Maybe because I’ve always messaged you and complain about my work. You would cheer me up even though you might be busy yourself. Maybe it’s because I am really too tired. That is why my feeling did not drop as much as it would otherwise had.

Last Saturday though, the feeling become so overwhelming that I went into the toilet for a shower and just cried. Bee, I really miss you so much. I’ve promised myself not to contact you unless absolutely needed or you’ve contacted me first. To be honest, like every person going through a breakup, you would wonder what the other party is thinking. Would you be thinking about me at any point of the day? Or did you really threw away all the 9 years of memories like it wasn’t there?

Yes, I resent you. When bee needed me to support you through different phases of your life, I’ve stand resolute and never thought of leaving you. However, you chose to leave me like this. There are some stuffs I will not write today. Really miss you.

Regards

Bee

Day 13: are everything normal? 

This would be a slightly shorter post since I have limited things I wanted to say here. The second week of the break up had passed. Frankly speaking, I’ve felt better than I was for the first week. Don’t get me wrong, I still hoped for her to be back in my arms. It’s just that I feel I’ve coped with the heart-wrenching moments better than I’ve anticipated.

Met up with an army bro on day 13 night. I actually feel so bad because I’ve used to tell my ex about him. He was someone that was so clingy to his girlfriend that he wouldn’t have time to care about his friends. I’ve even said he will only find you when he needed you. It was so the opposite. Ended up when I was at the lowest point of my life, he suggested we meet up and chat. I felt so good to chat with him since he himself was in a long-term relationship. He would understand this pain perfectly. He assured me that he understand the pain is much bigger than regular relationship due to the sheer length. When we left,  he text me like,  “don’t worry bro,  you still got me!”.  It got me really thinking. In the past,  I was so wrong about him.

Apart from that, I’ve actually for the first time in the 2 weeks thought about really moving on. I’ve found several reasons to:

  1. She lives so far away from me. Every trip over to her house is a pain.
  2. She wants us to live with her mum after getting married. (I’ll be honest,  I’m totally fine with that,  I just wanted to create more reasons here)
  3. She insist on a bto at punggol so her mum can be near her family.
  4. She has this panic attack which prevents her from taking long distance transport like train, plane, ship and so on. This limits the places we could go.
  5. She is also not too keen know amusement parks either. The only time we went Universal studios, we only took those kiddy rides. She is also extremely afraid of ghosts (Ya fake ones) so no fright night at USS.
  6. Sometimes I feel she has no regards to her other half need. As demonstrated in point 1 and 2. When I’ve relented on point 1, she wouldn’t even budge on point 2.

Of course after thinking about all these,  the good also comes back to me. Overwhelming the bad points I’ve listed and told me don’t give up just yet. Why wouldn’t I want to? Isn’t it much simpler to give up and move on that clinging to the hope that she would reverse her decision? Will I be able to overcome this whole breakup event when we do get back together? Wouldn’t I be very afraid that she would feel it is time to leave me again? How am I going to pick up the pieces for the second time from day 1? Will we really change for each other? I don’t want to be the only one compromising. I don’t want to be someone I am not just so she wouldn’t leave me. Statistically, former couples that got back together do not really end well usually. Because the fundamental issue was never addressed. People let their heart cloud their judgment thinking you need to get back together to stop the heartache. People failed to realize you broke up for a reason, and you can break up again if the reason still exists. That’s why most relationships advisors advised the No contact rule. The by-product might be that the dumper might be able to let go of the bad, remember the good and starts missing you when you suddenly disappear from their lives. However, the main objective was for the dumpee to think and understand what we want to be. Whether getting back with them is what we really want. Get back the confidence and the real you. Stop being clingy or needy because when we first met,  I certainly did not appear needy and clingy. Why would I think displaying this trait would attract her back? It won’t. Most importantly, if there was ever a chance to get back, we need to address the fundamental problem,  I really need to be prepared to let go of how she broke up with me,  start anew. Else,  this relationship is destined for another huge disaster.

That said, it’s been 9 years since we first got together. I don’t expect myself to just “move on” so easily like this. These are just the things I ponder during this non-contact period. I pray every day she will be back with me again. I still do.

泪水 将我淹没 到底谁该难过
究竟 是谁放掉 这段感情
我才终于明白 办不到的承诺 就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

我才终于明白 办不到的承诺 就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

我不爱 我不痛 我不懂
我的心 早已掏空
真心话 言不由衷

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

别告诉她 我还想她 就让沉默 代替所有回答

Random

Random thoughts on my mind. Was reading through the message exchanges between me and her friend on NYE. Once again brought my feelings to the bottom pit. I still can’t believe the way she treated me after 9 years of taking care of her. :/

Humans are such terrible creatures. When they are in good terms with you, they treat you nice and and all. When they are in bad terms, they can hurt you in ways you can never imagine possible. 

The worst part of all these random rants? 

I still love her anyway.

Really. Fuck me.