Final Letter

Hi,

I have no better word for you. Other than a liar and an ingrate brat. When we first got together and I first got to know first hand about how serious your anxiety attacks was, it did not faze me. I was in love with you and I am determined I would be the one that helped rid this problem. Over the years while we were dating, we were limited to where we could go. We couldn’t go to anywhere with heights. We couldn’t take the ferry to nearby islands. We couldn’t go overseas until nearly 8 years. Never once have I thought of giving up. I love your personality. I love how bubbly you were. I love how filial you were. I was determined even after 9 years.

Yeah. You would be surprised that I can still list things that I loved about you. Then this is how you’ve treated me. Whether intentional or not. You did not just tried to end your relationship with me, which I would have otherwise be opened to since one cannot force another to stay on without love. You decided to go one step higher. You fall in love with someone else whilst with me. Initially, a part of me thought I knew you well. I knew you are just not this kind of person. Afterall, you had went through the same ordeal when you broke up with your ex. He cheated on you. I thought you would never possibly do that. Or would you? You actually did. Even though you aren’t aware that I was aware. You’ve lost not only my love, you have lost my respect for you and most importantly, my trust I’ve always had for you even after we broke up. I continued to protect and shield you from my parents, telling them you just fall out of love with me. I was blindsided. I thought I knew everything about you. I gave you my full trust even when things got bad between us. My friends were suspecting a third person. I told them you were not the kind. You did not have someone already because I TRUSTED you. Now I feel so stupid to have trusted you.

No, this has nothing to do with being gentleman or not. I feel genuinely betrayed and disappointed. I am not going to pretend that I am the bigger person here and will forgive you for what you had done. I would forget eventually, but I will never forgive you. Although I won’t go so far as to curse you and whatnot, I won’t wish you well either, because someone like you simply don’t deserve to. Make this my last letter to you. I will still continue to write in this blog on moving on. I will make it a point to move on finally. 再见 , 再也不见。

 

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Letter 4

Hi,

It’s me again. Today suddenly felt like writing you a letter to update you how I am. Nowadays I’m pretty busy at work due to some problem deploying my application. Everyday I’m pretty drained. Whenever I feel drained, I will think of you again. Maybe because I’ve always messaged you and complain about my work. You would cheer me up even though you might be busy yourself. Maybe it’s because I am really too tired. That is why my feeling did not drop as much as it would otherwise had.

Last Saturday though, the feeling become so overwhelming that I went into the toilet for a shower and just cried. Bee, I really miss you so much. I’ve promised myself not to contact you unless absolutely needed or you’ve contacted me first. To be honest, like every person going through a breakup, you would wonder what the other party is thinking. Would you be thinking about me at any point of the day? Or did you really threw away all the 9 years of memories like it wasn’t there?

Yes, I resent you. When bee needed me to support you through different phases of your life, I’ve stand resolute and never thought of leaving you. However, you chose to leave me like this. There are some stuffs I will not write today. Really miss you.

Regards

Bee

Letter 3

Hi,

It’s me again. Had a relatively bad day today. Went to YCK office today to settle some code stuff. After that cabbed down to Buona Vista client side to do my work. Entered their workroom where my mobile phone must be surrendered before I am able to enter. The anxiety attack came at the wrong time I couldn’t access any help. I tried so hard to curb down and focus but I failed. End up I was like a useless worker there doing absolutely nothing while my team lead criticized me. I 100 percent agreed to his criticisms. He didn’t know I was having my anxiety thing though and I don’t plan to tell him either. It was a really bad day.

In a typical bad day like this, I would text you to tell you how bad a day I was having. You would try to cheer me up with all your messages. Today, as I left the workroom at the end of the day, I realized I no longer have anyone to share this frustration with. No one to cheer me up with her messages. I really miss you at this very moment. 11 day has passed since NYE. The feeling is still as strong. I often encourage myself to stand strong. Upgrade myself and show you the new me. However, days like this really demoralized me so much that I can only pen this letter down in a hope this might reach you in your dreams tonight.

To be honest I started this letter only to tell you how I missed you. So no questions for today. Hope you are doing well. I really miss you, bee…

Regards

Bee

Letter 2

Hi,

It’s been a week of breakup madness. I’ve tried to act as strong as I could. Trust me, this is really killing me inside. This morning I woke up from a dream of you as usual. In my mind, I asked myself whether to creep up near your house perhaps to catch a glimpse of you as you leave your house. (I know this is stalker behaviour). All I wanted for now to catch a glimpse of you. Of course, by the time morning, 8 am comes, I’ve shelved that idea because firstly, I know this isn’t right. I have already done my fair share of stalking before NYE and I don’t want to turn into that monster whom I couldn’t even recognise. Secondly, who knows what would happen if I really saw you? Will I be able to stop myself from approaching you and giving you that hug that I craved so much for?

From my past letter, there were loads of questions I would like to ask you. I will ask just one question for this letter. When you said you’ve lost feelings for me, I really wanted to know whether did all that happened right before our argument on 3rd December an act? Yes, I really cannot understand how the person I know as bright and bubbly could be acting that she was still in love with me. I do understand your viewpoint on certain issues you’ve highlighted throughout the “rocky” December period. I really cannot understand how there could be an 180 degrees changes to your attitude towards me. From the warm, smiling and bubbly girl, holding my hands (and even complaining that I wasn’t holding your hands properly) and hugging me at every opportunity on the Saturday before 3rd December, to someone who no longer initiates to hold my hands nor to hug me anymore to now, a break up in less than a month.

I’ve tried looking up how to get back your ex because frankly, I’ve thought long and hard. Although there are imperfections in you definitely, however, they don’t mean much to me because the perfection of bee is much more than those little imperfections. I still love you. I know you won’t ultimately read all these, however, while asking you the question that I did, suddenly, memories from 2 weeks prior to 3rd December flowed back so much. I’m really really lost. What happened? Do you still had at least the feelings for me? Do I still stand a chance to be with you? Really demoralised.

To add, instead of sitting down and cry my heart out and stay in bed refusing to do anything, I’ve instead signed up for a skill future course for Android Development. I’m actually quite apprehensive about my next idea, I might be considering taking keyboard classes (Music keyboard) too if I ultimately can convince myself to do so. I’m trying to be strong but you should understand that the hole you left in me was really insurmountable with just 1 week. I still do miss you dear. I love you.

 

Regards

Bee

 

Letter 1

Hi,

Reason I am here was to write what I would have preferred to had told you in here instead because I know you would never be here to actually read them. (I bet even if i had given you this blog link, you wouldn’t had come and read it anyway.)

Really resented how you treated me on NYE just 4 days ago. We went through all the thick and thin together. I stuck with you for 9 years even though you had severe panic attacks which restricted you from many things. I was tired in various points in the relationship but never once gave up on you. You gave up on me at the slightest opportunity which was presented to you. To make things worst than it already is, you made sure that we broke up in the worst way possible. Communicating through a friend. You wouldn’t even message me YOURSELF. That is the way you decided to treat me after 9 years of constant care and love I’ve always given you. You’ve decided that this was the way to break the news. I am so disappointed in you. I know that you might be scared and wanted to run away from all these. The least you could do was to message me and we settle everything amicably. You could have. But you wouldn’t.

There are many questions I wanted to ask you. Perhaps I would write them in another letter next time when I feel the need to write a letter to you again. You’ve really disappointed me my dear. What I hated about is, even as you did this, my love for you still did not seemed to lessen. Just writing this just so you know how i felt on NYE. Will write again to you next time.

 

Regards

Bee