2 months on… 

Blogging in the middle of the night. I’ve actually realised I’ve neglected the space for quite some time because frankly I don’t exactly feel like journaling this process anymore but I guess I’ve always wanted to keep a kind of diary somewhere and some form, whether it’s anonymous or not.

2 months on from the split. How do I feel now? Better than I was in the first month. I’ve kept myself busy at work, trying to get closer to my colleagues as I spend most of my time with them after all. I’m going for my trip to Taiwan tomorrow. It was meant as a escape from reality. I’ll be honest, I’m really much much better now.

My mind no longer are filled with her. She cheated on our relationship. I know there is no way I would want her back in any capacity, even if she were to come back, I don’t think I will be able accept her anymore. I don’t think anyone can enjoy being in a relationship without trust. That is precisely the thing I don’t have for her now.

Life’s mundane really. I wanted to grow my social circle, I wanted to find my next one, I wanted to be ready for it. I don’t know if I am in any condition to find one but I do hope one day I would find one who would sweep me off my feet and love me more than I do myself. There is bound to be someone out there who appreciates you for who you are and would stay with you through thick and thin with their heads unturned. For now, let me live in the fantasy of imagining how she would probably look like.

For now, I would continue to better myself. I don’t want to be that overweight version of myself again. I want to push for even fitter body. That’s a promise I give myself. Move on from 2nd month! Great job getting through the festive period. I’ll probably post again some time after a week or two, but I promise to always keep this space updated.

For those reading this for the first time and going through heartbreak. My ex girlfriend of nearly 9 years left me for another guy and here I am, 2nd month on, feeling optimistic about the future and feeling good about my life. If I can do it, there is nothing different about you. You will and you can do it too. Keep faith.

Biggest takeaway?

Never fully depend on someone to provide you happiness. Even your shadow leaves you during dark times, why would you think someone would always be there for you? Even if they did, don’t take it for granted. Nothing is forever, unless you meant them to be, then you will need to put in the effort. Nothing comes permanent and free.

Cheers and peace.

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Day 20: Move on

When you try to move on, the number one rule I have to remember: Never. I mean never look at her profile on social media. Facebook, Instagram and every other means. It’s just not healthy. Whenever you see something, it would just bring your mood down. When you feel like moving on, when you feel much better, you would think to yourself; maybe I am feeling well enough to take a look at her profile once more. I’m just dead wrong.

What happened was, I took a look at her facebook profile today and I realized she had removed her relationship status. In fact, she had set her status as ‘Single’. Even though she had left my photos untouched, I still felt so down. She had previously left her relationship status untouched. Taking it down seems like she is prepared to move on (Although I’ve actually set my status to ‘Single’ first. Haha!). However, part of me still died. That’s why no matter how good you feel on a certain day, please remember that self-healing are not stages, where you move from stage 1 to stage 2 then to stage 3 and never go back. They are phases. Where you shift yourself from phase 1 to phase 2, sometimes to phase 3. Then something happened, you’ve thought of something, you would actually slip back to phase 2, even phase 1! Just like what happened to myself today. This morning, I was asking myself whether I could move on. For the first time, I felt I might be able to. After work, I was feeling so revitalized. I was in Phase 3. I felt ready to move on! Then I told myself, maybe I can take a look at her profile! Saw her status, I slipped straight back into phase 2, nearly into phase 1.

I know I am still not ready to move on. (If I was ready, I would have not felt the need to take a look at her profile.)  I’ve been reading self-help books to help myself to feel better. I do not know when will I really feel better to move on. I do hope it’s earlier than later because days like this are really hard to get through. Calming piano music + self-help books really help me understand to start to love myself more. Often we think that your ex is the perfect one for you, fact is, no one is perfect. Whoever you love at the moment, you would feel that she is the perfect person for you. When you find someone you love (fingers crossed sooner than later), you would soon forget your ex and feel that your new girlfriend is the one for you, the perfect one. This is just how love works.

One tip for myself, learn how to self-love. Because when you love yourself, improve yourself, people will love you. Jiayou.

最近你好嗎
少了一點微笑
說的話有點少
最近我也不好
全世界都在逆轉
人開始反向思考

發現你愛的人到處跑
昨晚剛升職 今天被炒
莫名其妙 誰會知道
是不是上天開的玩笑
地震時 你想和誰擁抱
什麼是生命中的美好
輕易放掉 卻不知道
幸福就在下一個轉角

說一聲加油 一切更美好
所有的悲傷 請往邊靠
曾經流過的淚
濕了傷口就讓
陽光曬乾而褪
這一種加油 人人都需要
手牽手我們一起賽跑
說好不見不散
每分每秒守候你到老

The beat goes on 時間它一直走
就像是Life goes on 這過程或許痛
不管順流或逆流 你總得抬起頭
讓我們一起走 走過艱難和困惑

發現你愛的人到處跑
昨晚剛升職 今天被炒
莫名其妙 誰會知道
是不是上天開的玩笑
地震時 你想和誰擁抱
什麼是生命中的美好
輕易放掉 卻不知道
幸福就在下一個轉角

說一聲加油 一切更美好
所有的悲傷 請往邊靠
曾經流過的淚
濕了傷口就讓
陽光曬乾而褪
這一種加油 人人都需要
手牽手我們一起賽跑
說好不見不散
每分每秒守候你到老

Rap:
關關是難關 但我們關關過
雨後天晴的陽光在天空閃閃爍
出現了彩虹 忽然間我們才懂
如果這是一場馬拉松 那我們一起加油

 

Day 13: are everything normal? 

This would be a slightly shorter post since I have limited things I wanted to say here. The second week of the break up had passed. Frankly speaking, I’ve felt better than I was for the first week. Don’t get me wrong, I still hoped for her to be back in my arms. It’s just that I feel I’ve coped with the heart-wrenching moments better than I’ve anticipated.

Met up with an army bro on day 13 night. I actually feel so bad because I’ve used to tell my ex about him. He was someone that was so clingy to his girlfriend that he wouldn’t have time to care about his friends. I’ve even said he will only find you when he needed you. It was so the opposite. Ended up when I was at the lowest point of my life, he suggested we meet up and chat. I felt so good to chat with him since he himself was in a long-term relationship. He would understand this pain perfectly. He assured me that he understand the pain is much bigger than regular relationship due to the sheer length. When we left,  he text me like,  “don’t worry bro,  you still got me!”.  It got me really thinking. In the past,  I was so wrong about him.

Apart from that, I’ve actually for the first time in the 2 weeks thought about really moving on. I’ve found several reasons to:

  1. She lives so far away from me. Every trip over to her house is a pain.
  2. She wants us to live with her mum after getting married. (I’ll be honest,  I’m totally fine with that,  I just wanted to create more reasons here)
  3. She insist on a bto at punggol so her mum can be near her family.
  4. She has this panic attack which prevents her from taking long distance transport like train, plane, ship and so on. This limits the places we could go.
  5. She is also not too keen know amusement parks either. The only time we went Universal studios, we only took those kiddy rides. She is also extremely afraid of ghosts (Ya fake ones) so no fright night at USS.
  6. Sometimes I feel she has no regards to her other half need. As demonstrated in point 1 and 2. When I’ve relented on point 1, she wouldn’t even budge on point 2.

Of course after thinking about all these,  the good also comes back to me. Overwhelming the bad points I’ve listed and told me don’t give up just yet. Why wouldn’t I want to? Isn’t it much simpler to give up and move on that clinging to the hope that she would reverse her decision? Will I be able to overcome this whole breakup event when we do get back together? Wouldn’t I be very afraid that she would feel it is time to leave me again? How am I going to pick up the pieces for the second time from day 1? Will we really change for each other? I don’t want to be the only one compromising. I don’t want to be someone I am not just so she wouldn’t leave me. Statistically, former couples that got back together do not really end well usually. Because the fundamental issue was never addressed. People let their heart cloud their judgment thinking you need to get back together to stop the heartache. People failed to realize you broke up for a reason, and you can break up again if the reason still exists. That’s why most relationships advisors advised the No contact rule. The by-product might be that the dumper might be able to let go of the bad, remember the good and starts missing you when you suddenly disappear from their lives. However, the main objective was for the dumpee to think and understand what we want to be. Whether getting back with them is what we really want. Get back the confidence and the real you. Stop being clingy or needy because when we first met,  I certainly did not appear needy and clingy. Why would I think displaying this trait would attract her back? It won’t. Most importantly, if there was ever a chance to get back, we need to address the fundamental problem,  I really need to be prepared to let go of how she broke up with me,  start anew. Else,  this relationship is destined for another huge disaster.

That said, it’s been 9 years since we first got together. I don’t expect myself to just “move on” so easily like this. These are just the things I ponder during this non-contact period. I pray every day she will be back with me again. I still do.

泪水 将我淹没 到底谁该难过
究竟 是谁放掉 这段感情
我才终于明白 办不到的承诺 就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

我才终于明白 办不到的承诺 就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

我不爱 我不痛 我不懂
我的心 早已掏空
真心话 言不由衷

请告诉她 我不爱她
笑着难过 自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎 横了心 说真心谎话

别告诉她 我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口 就让沉默 代替所有回答

别告诉她 我还想她 就让沉默 代替所有回答

Day 7: Being back to normal

Time passed so quickly. It has been a week since she had dropped the bomb on me. Every single day was a struggle for me to get through I’ll be really honest. I’ve stopped blogging for the past few days was because I couldn’t really find anything of note to blog about except for the same old feelings I had since Day 1 of the breakup.

I’ve actually subscribed to an online counselling site where (supposedly) licensed counsellor will be paired up with you and give you advice. What I do feel is that they are (at least this one I am paired with) quite useless because they could not dedicate time to you and they reply to you only once a day (Maybe due to the different time zones we are in). I believe for some of us, when we do break up with our other half, we would hope that there is someone to reply you whenever you sent out the text. For this reason, I would actually recommend you to talk to someone who would listen and calm you down as opposed to someone suggesting to you on what are the steps you should take to be normal again. At this stage especially, I don’t feel it’s apt to feel okay again. My heart is itching and yearning to see her, however, I know I shouldn’t do so because this simply isn’t the way to go.

Secondly, to make myself feel better and perhaps wanted, I’ve tried out playing the Tinder app. I’ve actually always wanted to try the Tinder app but as I was attached when it first came out (and you need to sign in using your facebook account), thus, I’ve always shelved the idea. The idea for playing Tinder at this stage is not to start finding rebound relationships (relationships to try to replace the hole my ex had created). When I get a Tinder match, I don’t talk to them. In fact, I am sure they had swipe many other guys to the right so most probably they won’t even care if you did not start the conversation with them. However, having someone matched to you reminds yourself the feeling of feeling wanted. Most probably the girl who had swiped right at your picture just feel comfortable looking at your picture (with probably 0 intention to make you feel wanted or anything). However, this somehow just gives you a peculiar feeling that someone out there still acknowledges you. It’s pretty hard to explain but what I do know is that I will not attempt to talk to any matches since I myself isn’t ready to make friends with anyone of the opposite sex as of now.

Thirdly, I’ve started looking at “How to get your ‘ex’ back”. This is actually a bad way to calm myself down whenever the feeling hits me, however, I can safely say that this is probably the best way. I need to be calm when we enter this kind of website. I need to first acknowledge that my relationship is officially over, whether I like it or not. Secondly, acknowledge that while there is every possibility that what the website say are to some degree, possible and true, I do not try to raise my hopes too high and think that this must be the reason why my ex had left me. I’ve subscribed to a 30 days steps to do during the “no contact” rule. I’ll prefer to link you over to the website for full description, however, for now, I will just briefly say what NC means. It literally means what it says, do not contact (any form) my ex at all. In this period of no contact, however, think about the relationship. Is there any love at all or was it just the memories which I could not bear to part with? Was it the thought of her sharing the same memories with some other guy which would infuriate me? Or was it you are truly still concerned about her and that you still love her? If so, take this time to stand back and look at our relationship from the backseat. What went wrong? Take a look at what I did wrong as well as what she did wrong. A relationship simply does not crumble if only one of us did wrongly. An NC is recommended to last at least 30 days. Let each other have both space and time to forget the urge of breaking up and let the good memories start to creep into her mind. If she still has the love which I had suspected she still had, maybe she might even contact me herself. I don’t have high hopes for that because I know her character too well after almost 9 years. However, this does help to calm me down, especially when you know this fact:

Although she was the one who initiated the breakup, it won’t be easy on her as well.

Let time slowly wash away the bad. If the good are strong enough, she will be back. If the good isn’t strong enough to hold her back, it’s wise to know that this relationship won’t work even if you force her to come back to you.

To end off this post, A song called “唯一” from A Mei. It’s been hard for the past week. She is, however, still my only one:

我的天空多么的清晰
透明的承诺是过去的空气
牵着我的手是你
但你的笑容 却看不清
是否一颗星星变了心
从前的愿望 也全都被抛弃
最近我无法呼吸
连自己的影子 都想逃避(逃避)
BABY 你就是我的唯一
两个世界都变形 回去谈何容易
确定 你就是我的唯一
独自对着电话说我爱你 我真的爱你
BABY 我已不能多爱你一些
其实早已超过了爱的极限

In case anyone is interested:

Online counselling: https://www.betterhelp.com/

 

Day 2: How can I continue my life?

Day 2 of my breakup has passed. Happy new year everyone! For those who broke up, keep fighting.

To be honest, I had kind of lost the will to fight on. Day 2, every 1 to 2 hours I felt fine, the 3rd hour would trigger an anxiety attack. How does anxiety attack feel? Out of breath, my world seems like crumbling down on you. Yeap. The fact that I’m no longer be able to hug my ex-girlfriend in my arms really makes me so sad that anxiety attacks come quite often throughout the day. Whenever the anxiety attacks hit me, I would find my friend for a chat. Even though all she could do was assure you that I would be fine but that really helped alot to calm me down and come out of the anxiety attack. It will not prevent the next, however, as I’ve realised since nothing will ever get in your head.

If you do not want to bore your friends with your very unfortunate break up, you can surf the net for tips on getting over your breakups. At this Day 2 stage of your breakup, everything written there seemed like an absolute joke to you. Firstly, give up hope you would ever get back with her together again. Secondly, don’t think of the happy times together with her. Thirdly, be objective and look at the mistakes you’ve made in this relationship. There are many more tips, but I assure you that none of it made any sense especially on day 2 where the emotions are still very intense. However, take a look at them, you know that eventually when the emotions are less intense, these are the things you would need to try to do to aid you in the road to recovery.

To be honest, other than the above tips, I could not really find any other tips for day 2. To be fair, day 2 was already better than day 1. Those anxiety attacks come only in 1-2 hours intervals. If we can see improvements over just 1 day. We will get past it most definitely. Most importantly, be a gentleman and do not attempt to contact your ex on just the second day to describe how badly you feel to make her guilty. Be a gentleman and let go at least for the time being.

Have a listen to the song of the day! 绅士(gentleman). Lyrics depicted how this gentleman misses his girlfriend, basically what he really want to do in his heart like old days. The last sentence: Gentleman must be able put down all these and move on.

好久沒見了什麽角色呢
細心裝扮著
白色襯衫的袖扣是你送的
盡量表現著像不在意的
頻繁暴露了自欺欺人者
越掩飾越深刻
你說我說聽說
忍著言不由衷的段落
我反正決定自己難過
我想摸你的頭髮
只是簡單的試探啊
我想給你個擁抱
像以前一樣可以嗎
你退半步的動作認真的嗎
小小的動作傷害還那麽大
我只能扮演個紳士
才能和你說說話
我能送你回家嗎
可能外面要下雨啦
我能給你個擁抱
像朋友一樣可以嗎
我忍不住從背後抱了一下
尺度掌握在不能說想你啊
你就當剛認識的紳士
鬧了個笑話吧
盡量表現著善解人意的
頻繁暴露了不欲人知的
越掩飾越深刻
想說聽說別說
忍著言不由衷的段落
我反正註定留在角落
我想摸你的頭髮
只是簡單的試探啊
我想給你個擁抱
像以前一樣可以嗎
你退半步的動作認真的嗎
小小的動作傷害還那麽大
我只能扮演個紳士
才能和你說說話
我能送你回家嗎
可能外面要下雨啦
我能給你個擁抱
像朋友一樣可以嗎
我忍不住從背後抱了一下
尺度掌握在不能說想你啊
你就當剛認識的紳士
鬧了個笑話吧
你能給我只左手
牽你到馬路那頭嗎
我會像以前一樣
看著來往的車子啊
我們的距離在眉間皺了下
迅速還原成路人的樣子啊
越有禮貌我越害怕
紳士要放得下

Day 1: Overcoming mentally

These series of posts on overcoming break up might just be read by me. However, since this is on the internet, I might as well address this to everyone and anyone reading it including myself. I’ve just broken up with the girl I’ve loved and still loving for the past 9 years yesterday. So yes, yesterday was Day 1. People asked how come you did not pop the question earlier? 9 years is definitely a long time! In case you are not from Singapore and you are not aware, male in Singapore need to serve mandatory 2 years of National Service (In the army). By the time I was out of National Service, I was already 22 approaching 23. We’ve already been together for 4 approaching 5 years. I am still without a cent to me and have no significance savings since I do not come from a wealthy family. 3 years of university life later, I was already 25 years of age. We were already been 7 years together approaching 8. As of now, I’ve only worked for 10 months and barely has the financial to get married nor pop the question. To be fair, I do not have study loans to pay off unlike some of my peers. They could not even save up using their monthly pay because they need to pay off their study loans first. I was planning the question for our 10th year which by then I would have been 28. Perfect age for marriage.

Background story, however, I would leave it up to another post to explain. This post, however, is just for the pure documentation of how I continue to live my days even after breaking up with someone I still love deeply.

If it has been your first day of breaking up too, then like me, you might have cried uncontrollably for the first hour of realizing that you have lost the love of your life, forever or at least for the time being. Luckily for me, I was alone at home when it happened. I cried out very loud, just lying on the floor and let my emotions out. I cried like this for approximately 5 minutes. Just shouting and crying loud and letting my tears flow. However, for my case, it has been a long time coming and I cannot say that I did not expect this. For more background again, refer to the post of the background story. Maybe I already had prepared my heart for this. However, don’t you at least agree that no matter how much preparation time you were given, you can never prepare well for this moment?

What I do suggest, for both genders, if you are at the receiving end of the breakup, if you still feel so much love for the other party, please do not hold your emotions in. If you are outside and you are embarrassed to start crying outside, then cry in your room. This is especially true for guys. I know girls would have no qualms crying out loud but guys tend to pretend they are strong and that it is okay. It is not okay. Don’t let your ego cause more trouble than it could already have. If you do not want people to know you are crying, feel free, cry alone, release your emotion.

After crying, you might just feel a tiny bit better than you did before you started crying. This is where the second stage of the first day comes. Resentment. You would start to resent the other party. I treated her (or him) so well! How can her (or him) treat me this way? You feel betrayed. Your tears will want to flow out yet again. You feel so wronged. You did everything you could to love the other party, why did the other party not appreciate the years you had spent showering care and love for them? You start to think of nasty things to text to them. My ex-girlfriend was someone whom I feel was very emotional kind. I knew I could get at her by making her as guilty as I could. Ultimately, I drafted out a message aimed to hurt her. Aimed to tell her about how bad she was. I kept that message ultimately to myself.

Also, I do feel it is critical that you find someone to talk to. Text or call. Your best friend preferably. Since they will be more willing to support you and give you sound advice for every dumb thing you plan to do. Luckily I had this female friend of mine which we were friends since I was in Primary School. We texted almost every day since everything started and I texted her for the whole of yesterday after my breakup. In the end, I decided to draft out a message aimed to get more answers out of her. With the help of my friend, this message appears to be less critical than the previous draft. After further calming down by spending time with my family and try not to think about the situation (I know it’s hard. That’s why I said you would need your best friend to be with you to assure you that even though you had lost 1 pillar in your life, there is still someone there holding it with you. You are not alone.), I’ve even calmed down enough to tell myself: Do the answers still matters to you? Would the answers make you feel any better? Would she even give me her honest answer or would she give me an answer just so she won’t need to further hurt me?  You would ultimately feel there are no points to these questions. Knowing them won’t let you feel any better about yourself. I’ll instead let her understand that although it pains my heart to let her go, I still let her go and I still feel concerned about her. How many times had we find couple breaking up just to be together again? Would you want to leave this bad impression on the other half and make it forever impossible again? I doubt so right?

These are the tips I can give for Day 1 of this ordeal. Now comes the feeling part of Day 1. I felt lost. All the fun times we had together. Especially Day 1 was the last day of 2016. We could have been out there counting down, holding hands and then after that hug each other to sleep. It could all been well if I hadn’t lost my temper that day. I do realize that the incident was too small an incident to have caused all these to happen. However,  till now, I still could not throw away the idea of: “what if I did not flare up that day? Would we still be together counting down to 2017?” Indeed. “What if I had wanted to go to Malacca with her family and we are placed in one room together? Would we be able to settle our differences? Would I be able to convince her that she still loves me and salvage all these?” They are only questions to be left unanswered because they are what ifs. Like how a famous mandopop song from JJ Lin title depicts: 可惜没如果 (“Pity there are not what ifs” as literal translation). If you are a non-Chinese reading this, you might want to find an English translation of the lyrics online and have a listen. You might cry and feel sad for yourself. However, maybe crying is good for your heart and mind at the moment. So with this, I will end this post with this song: 可惜没如果.

假如把犯得起的错 能错的都错过
应该还来得及去悔过
假如没把一切说破
那一场小风波 将一笑带过
在感情面前 讲什么自我
要得过且过 才好过
全都怪我
不该沉默时沉默 该勇敢却软弱
如果不是我 误会自己洒脱 让我们难过
可当初的你 和现在的我 假如重来过
倘若那天
把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著
如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做
那么多如果 可能如果我
可惜没如果 只剩下结果(没有你和我)

如果早点了解 那率性的你
或者晚一点 遇上成熟的我

不过
倘若那天
把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著
如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做
那么多如果 可能如果我
可惜没如果 只剩下结果(没有你和我)
可惜没如果